Angel Shadow

As a kid a lot of us probably had imaginary friends. An imaginary friend is often a coping mechanism for a child, a way of resolving conflict or just for companionship. Only children are probably more likely to have imaginary friends because without anyone else to play with, they have to make their own fun.

When I was little I didn’t have an imaginary friend, but I had Kelly. For all intensive purposes, she was an imaginary friend. She was, and is in fact, my shadow. I’m not quite sure where the name Kelly came from but it starts with K like my name so I guess that factored into it. Her birthday was on the 12th of August, the day before mine.

Kelly lived in Kellyville, a land among the clouds where houses were soft and bouncy. She was the Mayor (or Mayoress, I suppose) of Kellyville and her life was perfect, unlike mine. I gave Kelly qualities I guess I wanted at that age. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She could fly, and when on car trips I used to imagine her floating along beside us.

Before I say any more, I just want to explain a few things. I moved to Australia in 2000, when I was seven turning eight. I’d left behind my two best friends in New Zealand and haven’t found anyone like that since, no matter how hard I’ve tried. There are a few people who’ve come close but not the type of friend you can tell anyone to without fearing they’ll judge you and who you trust with even your darkest of secrets.

This year was also the year my parents divorced. I remember certain things about it. I know it was on Halloween because I remember that we weren’t allowed to Trick-or-Treat. My Dad was late home from work and basically they sat me and my sister down and told us. I don’t remember being that upset about it, but I suppose at eight you don’t quite understand the concept of divorce.

I know, and my mother has told me, that I wanted to go with my Dad and live with him. I was never a mummy’s girl. I inherited my mum’s brown eyes, stick-thinness, fair skin and love of reading. I was a true daddy’s girl at heart though. We both have small ears, hayfever and, what I frequently like to point out to my Dad, stubbornness.

I’m not going to go into my life after my parents divorce because that’d practically be a novel. It isn’t until years later that you find out just how screwed up your family are and then there’s nothing you can do about it. Anyway, I’ve never really had stability in Australia when it comes to friends, relationships (my parents’) and locations. I’ve lived in eleven different houses, nine of them in Australia.

As I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog, I’ve been writing from a young age. When I created this whole word for Kelly and me it became sort of a secret project that only I knew about. I was, essentially, a social outcast in primary school. Sure, I had friends but not the type you’d really call friends. They were just people I hung around with because being a loner wasn’t socially acceptable.

I’d imagine Kelly and I were walking around the school, bathing in the sunlight and not caring what anyone else thought. Kelly had a dog called Wishbone who started off as a sausage dog but changed to a Dalmatian as I changed my mind. I’ve never really had a proper pet so I was again, giving Kelly the things that I wanted.

I swear Kelly is also in a story of mine somewhere. I wouldn’t for the life of me know which box my old writing stuff is in but I know for a fact I wrote about her. She was magic, of course, and as I read books like The Magic Faraway Tree and The Wishing Chair Kelly adopted some of the qualities characters from the books had.

I’ve been obsessed with the computer for... a while. At first it was Neopets. I used to love Neopets and I’d trade stuff between multiple accounts and play games, etc. I got into web design and graphic design through here somehow, and joined Home and Away (Australian soap opera) and Charmed forums. I actually had a Harry Potter site at one point, though admittedly a terrible one.

Then there was Habbo Hotel. When I first played the game I didn’t have any of the money on there but when I went back to playing it for a brief spell in Year 10 I had a job so I could buy money to use on this site and I was pretty popular online. I had my group of online “friends” who I didn’t know that much about but it made me feel included. I used the name Melaina or Mel for short online. This is taken from the author of a series of novels I read in Year 9 English. The author is Melaina Faranda and being the book-obsessed person that I am, I finished the book before the rest of the class (it was the third in a series) and went back and read the rest of the series.

I got a C on that assessment for knowing TOO much. Anyway, Lauren (the lovely girl from year eight I’ve mentioned here previously) made it a hobby of hers to make fun of me. I took the names of these people from my online world and used them as my “friends” names, in attempt to brag and show off how “popular” I was. A part of me knew they didn’t really believe me, but I lived in my own little world where I imagined things in my head rather than doing what other Year 10’s did like... get smashed every Friday night.

I’m not going to go until my whole RuneScape obsession here because I’d be here all night. The point I’m trying to make is I’ve always created other worlds to escape from this one. Where I didn’t have actual friends I had Kelly... and I had my sister who kept me younger until eventually she matured past me and left me stuck behind.

In a way I have one of those worlds now. I have my real life world where I go to work every day, rarely clean my room, annoy my family and laugh at things that no one else finds funny. Then I have my online world with Harry Potter and various other social networking sites I frequent. These two worlds merge a little with my family giving me allowances on the computer to be on a podcast, Azkatraz of course and meeting people from MuggleSpace. My family just accepts that I’m obsessed with Harry Potter the way they’re obsessed with AFL.

They’ll never truly get it though. I don’t really want them to either. I have my own separate world for a reason because the one I’m already in is far from perfect. I walk half an hour to work in the morning and half an hour home, my iPod blaring as Kelly darts along beside me on the path. That is, when the sun is shining.

I don’t think there’s any hurt in holding onto Kelly. I only have her every once in a while and she’s not harmful to my life in any way but it’s comforting to know that no matter how many things we lose and forget as we grow up, there are some things that’ll always stay with us.

Word to your bookshelf,

Kassi

P.S. I got my mum to find my poetry folder and I found this poem:


Angel Shadow

I sit and I watch her
When I’ve got nothing to do
She likes to amuse me
When I’m not with you
In a car or on a bus
Wherever we go she comes with us
Hidden to others but visible to me
She would whisper and tell me what she wants to be
On her fluffy cloud or in the cool air
Angel Shadow never has a care
She may be hidden to your eyes
But to mine, she’s nothing but a great surprise

[Written approx. 2005-2006]

Days I’ve Worked Full Time: 44
Books I’ve Read in 2009: 41
Days Till I Leave for Azkatraz: 61
Days Till I Meet John Green: 13

LOL Moment of the Day:

Sonia: Kassi’s milkshake brings all the boys to the court. Her service is better than yours. Her service is better than yours. Got a special, you want some more?
Me: [laughing]
Rhiannon: [to Sonia] I want what you’re on
Zoe: Me too