My Innocence Blinds When I Want to See..

“My Innocence Blinds When I Want to See...” 22nd October, 2008

The above line is from the verses of my favourite song that I’ve written. I mentioned in my last blog that I’m a writer. I write stories, poems and songs. The song is called ‘Innocence’ and was inspired by something my friend said to me, about being innocent. I laughed at what he said at the time but it inspired one of my favourite songs that I’ve written so for that I’m grateful.

Now that I think about it, he was probably right. I am quite innocent, in the aspect that I remain unknown to many of the things girls my age have experienced. Sixteen year old girls on the Gold Coast would get smashed at parties on the weekend rather than doing assignments. I’m happy to say I didn’t fall into that category. I wonder if my mother is glad she got to skip the whole ‘rebellious teenager’ thing with me. I don’t know. I guess I made up for that with my attitude.

But there are some things I wish I had experienced growing up. I never really had a best friend to confide everything to, unless you count Lauren from grade eight. Now there’s a story. She pretended to be friends with me for the entire year because I was the only one she knew in our class. She got me in trouble for graffiti, bribed me to skip P.E. with her, gave me alcohol on the boardwalk behind school and almost convinced me to wag. (Wagging is what you call skipping school in Australia).

She was just talking about me and making fun of me behind my back for the entire year. Towards the end of the year I found out about this but I stayed friends with her for some insane reason. I knew that if I didn’t I would have no friends at all so I put up with it. I went to a psychologist for three months of that year. I was off school because of stress related issues when she hacked into my email account and sent an email to DreamWorld (a theme park) pretending to be me and told them that I’d gone there recently and been felt up by the cleaners in the toilets.

The day the theme park called me up about this they had the cleaners locked up and wouldn’t let them go home because of this email. I received this phone call right after my mum had sliced her head on our ceiling fan (while I was the only one home) and was being taken away in an ambulance. I didn’t have to look far to know who to point the finger out. Our SOSE projects were on local tourist attractions and guess what Lauren was doing hers on?

I can look back and say I learnt a lot that year. Sure, I got into a lot of trouble and did some pretty bad things but for once I was out there experiencing things and behaving recklessly like a “normal” teenager. In Melbourne, girls my age are dressing up tarty so they look eighteen and can sneak into night clubs. I think having a younger sister made me take longer to grow up... she’s probably more mature now than I was at thirteen.

I was always reading or daydreaming in primary school so I skipped the whole “boyfriend, first kiss” stage. I still haven’t really gone through that... which is kind of sad. But everything happens in time and I’m sure I’ll find love... eventually. A lot of things with me will happen eventually. I know I should probably get out there and do things instead of sitting here, waiting for them to happen but I don’t think that’s likely to change now. That’s been the way I am for so long.

Some people spend their whole lives looking for love. Love isn’t even definable; people still can’t really figure it out. I’m not looking for love right now. I’m sixteen and working full time. I haven’t done my last year of school yet. There is still so much I want to do before I have to worry about that.

Besides, love is supposed to catch you by surprise isn’t it? If you keep looking for something it will just take you longer to find it, if ever. I want love to catch me by surprise. I don’t know if you’ve watched The Secret but its one of those documentary, philosophical type films where they tell you about the law of attraction and how you have to think positively and stuff.

My mum had this real new age kick which is why I’ve seen it. One of the things they tell you to do is to write a letter to the universe saying what you want. I had this silly idea one day to write a letter to the universe telling him what I wanted in a guy. I folded it until it was really small and put it in this gold heart locket that I no longer wear. To this day, only one person other than me has seen it.

Allow me to quote some of this letter now: “I want a guy who’ll make me feel dizzy when I’m around him. I want a guy who’ll make my heart skip a beat whenever he walks into the room,” “I want a guy who makes me feel like the most special girl in the world and who is the most special person to me. I want a guy who loves me and I love him too.” Jeez, I don’t ask for much, do I?

Now, I can see that writing that letter seems like a very innocent, childish thing to do. It’s like in grade five where you’d doodle your name and the name of the guy you like intertwined on the cover of your notebook. What makes it even more innocent is that I wrote that letter last year.

Ever since I came to Australia I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not. A large portion of my happiness relied on whether the girls at school liked me and whether I had friends. I used to plan out conversations in my head and say things based on how I predicted other people’s reactions to be. I was a strange kid and striving to be how everyone wanted me to be didn’t leave me that much better off in the long run.

It’s only quite recently that I’ve realised I should have just been myself and let people decide whether they liked me and wanted to be friends with me. Sure, myself is quite weird and strange and my personality isn’t very likeable but it is preferable to living behind a web of lies constructed to conform to society. I honestly don’t care anymore. People can take me for who I am or I don’t really want to know.

I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote recently called ‘Words.’:

I see the mystery in your words
The wisdom that remains unheard
The light that shines behind your eyes
Hides ambition and is full of surprise
And as I watch I can only hope
One day you’ll notice and you’ll know
That what your missing is right here
And future pursuits will become clear
But for now I wait and watch alone
The hope inside me was overthrown
Deep down I know my life is fail
My ship has sunk with no prevail
I don’t know why I can’t look away
It’s like your words tell me to stay
Even though they weren’t meant for me
My eyes look over and can’t help but see
The things you say, I can relate
But nothing is shining, not even fate
You’ll keep passing by and never see
That I’m right for you and you for me
Copyright © Kassi Hays, 10th April, 2009.

Word to your bookshelf,

Kassi

Days I’ve Worked Full Time: 35
Books I’ve Read in 2009: 38
Days Left Till I Leave for Azkatraz: 72
Days Till I Meet John Green: 24
LOL Moment of the Day:

Two female students walked into McDonalds, one of them holding a plastic baby doll which was crying.
Me: Why do you have a baby born?
Customer: None of your business.
[the baby is still crying and she is trying to make it stop].
Me: [laughing] Okay..